DEFINED BY A DROP-DOWN MENU

I graduated University in July 2017.

For almost three years after that my life was defined by a drop-down menu.

The particular soul crushing question was.

‘Do you have a degree 2:1 or above?’ to which my answer would always be no.

I got a 2:2 in my degree.

I was of the belief that a 2:1 was what I needed to succeed in the future. When I was not able to achieve this goal, it killed me. The one thing I was so sure I needed I couldn’t reach. Because of the society we live in and my propensity towards perfectionism I then considered myself a complete and utter failure. ‘I got a 2:2! What was the f***ing point?’ It did not matter what people would say to me.

‘You have done brilliantly, a 2:2 is not to be sniffed at.’

‘You have had a really tough year it’s a testament to you that you got to the finish line.’

‘To get a degree in the first place is no mean feat.’

‘It not always about the mark you get at the end it’s what you learn along the way.’

I did not believe it. Not a word. Now I was in thousands of pounds of debt which is just going to keep climbing and nothing to show for it.

It did not help that as soon as I started looking for jobs I was faced with that dreaded question and drop-down menu, Which only served to compound my belief that I was a complete waste of space.

Do you have a 2:1?

It felt like, as soon as you select no the doors slam shut in your face. You’re left staring at them trying to find a way to pick the lock. I convinced myself that I was stupid. All the lucky ones with a 2:1 had it easy.

In no time they would have their sh*t together and I would still be stood outside those huge locked doors with a bobby pin clamoring for a way in.

I was my own worst enemy, I spent almost 3 years defining myself by my so- called ‘failure’ wondering why I was getting nowhere.

Looking at it now it is painfully obvious, of course you are getting nowhere dimwit. If you can’t convince yourself you are good enough.

(Ru Paul did not help me reach this conclusion I promise).

I slowly started to make my peace with those numbers that used to haunt my every thought and realised that they are in fact just numbers. I now know that, those people slamming their doors in my face because I didn’t fit their criteria are missing out.

I’m awesome. Flawed but awesome. If you don’t want a hardworking, resilient compassionate 25 year old with a creative brain and a ridiculous knowledge of movies most of which she hasn’t even seen. Then she doesn’t want you.

Yes I may have a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat after that.

I am no longer defined by a drop down menu.